In the
winter of 2014, I noted that grocery shopping was becoming more than just a
weekly chore that cut into leisure time on Saturdays. At that time, I was the
one who would make the short drive to our Market Basket in Somerville.
And if you live in the Boston area, you may vaguely recall
that the winter of 2014 was a fairly bad winter. But after the record-setting 108.6
inches during 2015, almost everyone forgot about the snowfall of the year
before. But I didn’t. At that time, I was already burdened with the possibility
that I would lose my job. I recall one morning at Market Basket when I realized
that I’d lost my grocery list. Being winter, the supermarket’s floor was marked
by muddy footprints. The first time I dropped my grocery list, I was able to
regain it, after about five minutes of harried searching. But the following
Saturday, I was not so lucky. This time, I gave up, and called Paula for help. I
married Paula for many reasons, but high on the list was her competence. She was able to recall
almost every item, without a list. She was peeved, and why not? Fortunately for
me, Paula’s short-term memory is superb, and she was able to mentally
reconstruct the list, with perhaps one or two missing items. In recent years, Paula
and I have been sharing the shopping. I wish I could say that I was truly
sharing this task with Paula, but I have been relegated to the fruits and
vegetables section only. It’s much easier, say, to find an eggplant or a couple
of grapefruits than search for the precise variant of my daughter’s preferred
yogurt: “Perfect Peach Cobbler.” But the next week, my daughter had moved onto
“Apple Crisp Twist.”
Like many shoppers, Paula and I like to go to Trader’s
Joe’s. We tend to avoid impulse purchases, but at Trader Joe’s, that can be
difficult. I am especially enamored by the inexpensive dark chocolate (85
percent cacao). Ditto for the steel-cut oats, one of earth’s most nourishing
grains. But in the summer of 2017, I had perhaps my worst moment in any grocery
store. It happened at a Trader Joe’s in Arlington, which we rarely visit. So
when I locked up my bike and entered the store, things looked somewhat
unfamiliar. But what really tripped me up was the profusion of items within the
same general label. This is not confined to Trader Joe’s outlets. But in its
ethos of hipness, people with dementia seem to be unwelcome. This wasn’t
intentional. It’s just the chain’s culture. The item that made me lose my
composure was a packet of freeze-dried strawberries. An employee did try to
help me, but because of my compromised short-term memory, I couldn’t hold on to
my thoughts long enough to make myself clear. And by that time, my anxiety had
skyrocketed.
Despair is a loaded term. But that was the term I heard in
my head. I was still in the store. Most days, if I’m anchored by my writing, I
feel whole. But when my dementia is exposed, as it was at Trader Joe’s in Arlington?
Was I so demented that I couldn’t collect a few items in a Trader’s Joe’s on my
own? The word I set on was lost: lost
in a funky major food chain, lost to the life I loved until a ghastly disease
colonized my hippocampus, lost to the old age that I took for granted, lost to
a dark era, an epoch, night falling, my future foreclosed, the turgid closing
of the book of life, bewilderment reigning, and at the end—“when the living
will envy the dead.”
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